Are hopelessly fat, a useless blob who only takes up space?
If so the personal trainers here at the University of Alaska...2 can trim your fat useless lard, and make you at least fit in the expensive desks. Our customers have lost 200 even 300 pounds and without harmful drugs. Just well textured abuse and exercise designed to force you into an unstable mental state. And once you join our trainers are there for you for the rest of your life, just in case you try to return to your elequent state as a hopeless fat and unhealthy loser.
Our program consists of a simple 3 step program, I know what your thinking 3 steps that ll never work I m too damn fat! Well your wrong, and if not we ll simply do the plan twice Thats 6 steps or three times thats 9 or 42 times thats a hell of a lot!!
Now On to the Program starting with step 1:
STEP 1-
We start off nice and easy by dropping you in with a polar bear in a snow storm. With a real polar bear, a real storm, and no food for you unless you kill the polar bear with a stick. Simple right, of course but our scientists will make it sound really cool and complex with their infinite knowledge.
First you see, your heightened stress by having your useless lard chucked out of a helicopter(Dont worry your fat, you ll bounce) into a snow storm will initiate the process, by scaring the hell out of you! Next your hunger will be stimulated by the fact that we stuffed you in a prison cell with no food for 3 days before this. Once we drop the stick the excitement of the hunt is on, the polar bear has been trained to run just faster than you and balance a plate of scrumptous french toast and mash potatoes on its head. This motivator will keep you chasing it until the polar bear feels your lighter than it. And finally it will turn to kill you for the annoyance of balancing a plate on its head. But you ll win jeez we gave you a stick!
And that is how you can lose almost half your weight in one Step, and then its on to step two: "Fuzzy pandas with machine guns"